She's Gone

Yesterday, our 14+ year old Labrador, Cinderella, passed away.  My heart is broken.  She was a wonderful dog.  She came into my life 8 years ago.  When I was dating my now husband, she greeted me at the door, the first time I came to his house.  She had a tail that turned circles and the tail started spinning when he opened the door.  He warned me that she would bark at me as she does that to everyone.  Cyndi didn't bark.  All the kids seemed shocked that she remained silent.  I patted her on the head and a relationship was born.

Cyndi was a unique dog.  Along with the helicopter tail, she would smile at you whenever you came through the door.  It was hilarious!  It almost looked as though she was baring her teeth, except it would totally slide into a smile.  She had a really scary bark too.  I always felt safe when it was just the two of us.  She could even catch flies!  So cool.  Over the years she became my best friend.  She knew all my secrets and still loved me.  When I walked through the door, she always acted like I was the most important person in the world.  The tail would circle and the smile would be there.

We had to put her down due to her developing cancer.  The last few months she had become my full time job.  She needed to be walked several times in the middle of the night and needed a lot of attention during the day.  I know we made the right decision, but it still hurts.  We were there holding her when she slipped away.  I cried like a baby.  This morning, I jumped out of bed and proceeded to go and get Cyndi's meds as I usually do.  Then I remembered. 

I thought her passing would be an excuse to stuff my face and eat away the pain.  So far, so good.  I went and exercised this morning and have pretty much stayed true to my normal eating patterns.  Everyday I learn more about myself and how I handle things that life throws at me.  I continue to move forward.

Good Enough VS The Best

Last week I cleaned out my closet.  I love my closet.  Years ago, we converted a bedroom and made it into a closet. The only set back is that I have to share it with my husband.  I hate sharing with him.  If I could figure out a way to get him out of there and in another closet, I so would!  Alas, I  will survive...

As I went through my clothes, I noticed that I have a ton of 'good enough' stuff.  You know, the clothes that look good, but not necessarily great.  An example would be T-shirts from the Gap.  They are fine, but I don't stop traffic when I wear them.  No brainer clothing.  I only have a few pieces of clothing that I would consider 'the best'.  These are clothes that make me look thin, young, tall and basically fantastic.

I noticed that there are some women who always look fantastic.  It seems they only wear what is best for them.  I want to be them,  I think I am going to try to do that.  I would rather have less clothes and know that every piece will present me at my best than have a ton of clothing that makes me look ok.

What do you do that is just good enough and not the best? 

You Have My Attention!

Society is constantly pushing us.  Do more, push farther, you must multi-task.  Friends tell me how guilty they feel that they can't get more done in the day.  Everyone is exhausted all the time.  I know that I can't just watch TV, I must be working on my computer or cleaning something or otherwise being productive.  I feel like a big gerbil running on an exercise wheel.  Sometimes I need a good smack in the face to make me stop and really look at what is going on with my life.

That smack came in in the form of shingles.  Shingles is an adult repeat of chickenpox.  It is caused by STRESS!  It can be very painful.  Guess who is taking it down a notch?  

My one request for my birthday was to wake up on a beach.  So, we went to Florida and just relaxed.  This was very needed for the shingles too.  On the actual day, we went snorkeling in the morning and then had nothing to do until dinner.  We spent the day reading, sleeping, and watching the Olympics.  At one point, my husband said that he felt guilty not doing something.  I informed him that we were doing something, we were purposely doing nothing.  When we thought about it, we could not remember a day where we had given ourselves permission to do nothing.  It was AWESOME!

When was the last time you had given yourself permission to not have to do anything?  Make a date with yourself and do it.  Don't wait to get smacked.

The Big 5-oh!

Ack!  This Sunday I will turn 50.  I remember my mother turning 50 and I thought she was old.  Ha!  She is in her eighties now and I think she is no where near old.  I have been trying to think of what I thought I should be at 50.  I can't remember, so maybe that is the pre-dementia rearing its ugly head.

Granted, I have creaks and I make noises when I bend over to pick something up off the floor.  I have to wear readers to see anything and that frankly makes me cranky!  I have jowls (ick).  I understand the consequences from over imbibing adult beverages and prefer to be home at a reasonable hour instead of dancing all night.  Seriously, when it gets close to 10pm, I worry that I might turn into a pumpkin.  I want to be in bed.

The above are the negatives of being my age.  The positives are that I have lived and learned.  I know stuff now.  Though to live is to constantly learn, at least I know the basics.  I no longer get sucked into peer pressure.  If I don't want to do it, I am not doing it.  People ask me for life advice!  Shocking I know but true.  I am in the best shape of my life thanks to my Lapband.  My body is strong and so is my brain.  I am about to start a new career path that I love.  I understand that it isn't what you are wearing on the outside, but the undergarments make the difference!  True beauty exists and it is in the faces of my husband and his children.

I think I am pretty awesome for 50. I can't wait to see what is going to happen next!

Mirror, Mirror

So, I had a homework assignment this week.  I was to spend a little time really looking at myself in the mirror. I did it naked, just to get the full effect.   I wanted to look at all of myself and not just chunks (face, body, etc).  Here is what I learned.

First of all, I really look like my father.  I have seen it in pictures, but never in the mirror.  People have said I am the spitting image, and by looking at myself, I think I am.  I can see some of my mother there, but mainly dad.  It isn't just in the face, but it is my body shape and the way I carry myself too.  I don't think I would have ever noticed that if I had not done this.

I have lots of scars from past surgeries and youth.  This doesn't bother me at all.  I feel like I have earned every one of those scars.  Since it had been a while since I have had a surgery or been youthful, the scars are all light in color and flat against my body.  I remember when they were new and red and raised.  I was terrified that they would never go away.  I have two areas on my face that are lighter in color due to a fall in February 2011.  Those are the only two that kind of bother me, but then again, those are the newest scars.

I have a belly.  Every since I had my hysterectomy in 2006, I have had a bit of a belly.  I have been trying very hard to flatten that bump.  I ain't gonna go!  No matter what weight I am at, I still got the little bump.  Sources (my doctor) say it is due to the scar tissue from the surgery.  I now am trying to just love the damn thing!  I will keep you posted on the love fest.

There is more, but I thought I would only speak of the top three.  I am really glad it spent some time in front of the mirror and encourage each of you to do so as well.  Tell me what you liked best.  Tell me what you learned.

Body Image: Who is that girl in the mirror?

Last week I wrote about "Bad Body Image" and I got tons of feedback.  Apparently big or little, there is a lot of confusion when we look in the mirror.  I got to wondering, do we avoid the image we see?  Sure, I look in the mirror everyday, sometimes MANY times in a day, but do I really see my whole self?

When I look at the full image of myself, I usually am checking the outfit I have chosen.  I am looking for lumps, bumps, length and general "coolness" (don't want to have an out of style, style).  When I look in my face mirror, I am checking for imperfections and perhaps preforming a little surgery.  The bathroom mirror?  I am looking to make sure that I don't have a toothpaste smear, or fixing the hair, or even checking my teeth for lipstick.  So do I ever really look at myself?

This week, I think I am going to plan to look into the mirror at me.  Not my face, my hair, my clothes, but me.  The whole package.  I want to really see what I look like.  I will report back next week.

Not As Small As I think I am!

Yesterday I was leaving a friend's house who has a circular driveway.  I drive a small car and thought that I could get around her car without driving on her grass.  Well, I am not even to the end of the block before she calls and tells me that I am not as small as I think I am.  Apparently I had driven over her grass.

We giggled about her comment, but it did make me think.  When we go through a large weight gain or loss, people get body dysmorphic.  I call it BBI, bad body image.  People think they are either larger or smaller than they really are.  Once I had lost 200 pounds, I found myself trying to shop in the plus size department.  I was no where near a plus size, but I thought those clothes would fit.  Of course when I was bigger, I would order size large from catalogues and would be genuinely shocked that they wouldn't fit.

For years after I had lost weight, I would look in the mirror and see the 340 pound person still in there.  It took me forever to get rid of her.  We can get BBI from just some slight changes in your body.  Lately, I have been working out more often and have noticed my body changing.  Things that were jiggly are now muscle.  I look in the mirror and am kind of shocked.  I am about to be 50 years old and my body is getting leaner and meaner!  I have to really look at myself when I look in the mirror.  I have to be honest with my image.  Are you honest with yours?