Mirror, Mirror

So, I had a homework assignment this week.  I was to spend a little time really looking at myself in the mirror. I did it naked, just to get the full effect.   I wanted to look at all of myself and not just chunks (face, body, etc).  Here is what I learned.

First of all, I really look like my father.  I have seen it in pictures, but never in the mirror.  People have said I am the spitting image, and by looking at myself, I think I am.  I can see some of my mother there, but mainly dad.  It isn't just in the face, but it is my body shape and the way I carry myself too.  I don't think I would have ever noticed that if I had not done this.

I have lots of scars from past surgeries and youth.  This doesn't bother me at all.  I feel like I have earned every one of those scars.  Since it had been a while since I have had a surgery or been youthful, the scars are all light in color and flat against my body.  I remember when they were new and red and raised.  I was terrified that they would never go away.  I have two areas on my face that are lighter in color due to a fall in February 2011.  Those are the only two that kind of bother me, but then again, those are the newest scars.

I have a belly.  Every since I had my hysterectomy in 2006, I have had a bit of a belly.  I have been trying very hard to flatten that bump.  I ain't gonna go!  No matter what weight I am at, I still got the little bump.  Sources (my doctor) say it is due to the scar tissue from the surgery.  I now am trying to just love the damn thing!  I will keep you posted on the love fest.

There is more, but I thought I would only speak of the top three.  I am really glad it spent some time in front of the mirror and encourage each of you to do so as well.  Tell me what you liked best.  Tell me what you learned.

Body Image: Who is that girl in the mirror?

Last week I wrote about "Bad Body Image" and I got tons of feedback.  Apparently big or little, there is a lot of confusion when we look in the mirror.  I got to wondering, do we avoid the image we see?  Sure, I look in the mirror everyday, sometimes MANY times in a day, but do I really see my whole self?

When I look at the full image of myself, I usually am checking the outfit I have chosen.  I am looking for lumps, bumps, length and general "coolness" (don't want to have an out of style, style).  When I look in my face mirror, I am checking for imperfections and perhaps preforming a little surgery.  The bathroom mirror?  I am looking to make sure that I don't have a toothpaste smear, or fixing the hair, or even checking my teeth for lipstick.  So do I ever really look at myself?

This week, I think I am going to plan to look into the mirror at me.  Not my face, my hair, my clothes, but me.  The whole package.  I want to really see what I look like.  I will report back next week.

Not As Small As I think I am!

Yesterday I was leaving a friend's house who has a circular driveway.  I drive a small car and thought that I could get around her car without driving on her grass.  Well, I am not even to the end of the block before she calls and tells me that I am not as small as I think I am.  Apparently I had driven over her grass.

We giggled about her comment, but it did make me think.  When we go through a large weight gain or loss, people get body dysmorphic.  I call it BBI, bad body image.  People think they are either larger or smaller than they really are.  Once I had lost 200 pounds, I found myself trying to shop in the plus size department.  I was no where near a plus size, but I thought those clothes would fit.  Of course when I was bigger, I would order size large from catalogues and would be genuinely shocked that they wouldn't fit.

For years after I had lost weight, I would look in the mirror and see the 340 pound person still in there.  It took me forever to get rid of her.  We can get BBI from just some slight changes in your body.  Lately, I have been working out more often and have noticed my body changing.  Things that were jiggly are now muscle.  I look in the mirror and am kind of shocked.  I am about to be 50 years old and my body is getting leaner and meaner!  I have to really look at myself when I look in the mirror.  I have to be honest with my image.  Are you honest with yours?

DRAMA!

A friend made a comment about how I always have so much drama in my life.  She said it with love, but the comment stayed with me.  People that get all wrapped up in the drama of their life usually drive me crazy.  Had I become the type of person that I can't stand to be around?  I have contemplated over those words for over a week now and I think I have figured out why my life is full of drama.

I have a husband and 5 adult step children!  When it was just me, there wasn't much going on.  Now that I added an additional 6 people to my life, it is a 3 ringed circus!  There is NEVER a time when something isn't going on. These are adults going through their first careers and first loves. Many times I feel that I am in the middle of a tornado and the best thing I can do is to hold on.  The upside of this is I always have interesting stories, so you want to sit next to me at functions.  The downside is that there is always something going on.  It is rare to have quiet times.  The stress level can go through the roof.

When things were stressful for me before I lost the weight, I would resort to eating.  Now, I exercise.  Sometimes 3 times a day!  Exercise and my band keep my weight in check.  Love my band.

Being a parent is still new to me (almost 7 years and counting).  I am reminded of a scene in the movie "Parenthood" where the grandmother speaks of the roller coaster ride.  Up and down, up and down, she had never been so scared and thrilled at the same time.  She says some prefer the merry go round, but that it is boring, just goes round and round.

I like the roller coaster with all its ups and downs and the drama!  What a ride!

Brain Buzz

Do you ever have so much going on that you get brain buzz?  For me, I don't have a lot going on physically, but mentally, my brain is doing back flips!  Lately I find that I am busy worrying about everything.  I worry about my husband, my stepchildren, a job, my dog, my mom, my friends....  Phew!  I am exhausted.  In March I went to Miraval Spa and promised to stop worrying so much and to live in the moment.  I did pretty well for the month of March, but slowly my and some of April.  Slowly but surely, my old self has creeped back in.  Ugh!  All this worrying is stressing me out!

The good news is my weight is doing just fine.  I have noticed that I am toned and muscled.  I am strong and though I could lose 10 pounds, I am happy.  Just worried.

So for today, I will try not to worry about every little thing.  I will try to live in the moment.  Hmmm.  Maybe I will try that meditation thing.

Wish me luck!

June Cleaver, Julia Child and I are best friends!

You would think that while I am currently unemployed, I would be blogging like crazy.  I have found that I am very busy.  I clean the house, apply for jobs, cook and exercise. Take the exercise out of it and I have become June Cleaver/Julia Child!  Never thought I would enjoy cooking and cleaning.   Now I don't vacuum in pearls, more like exercise gear, but I do get excited when I learn how to really clean my stainless steel sink from Pinterest.

Yesterday, for the first time, I had my hand up a chicken's butt, pulling out icky stuff and putting in lemons and vegetables.  Never had done that before.  Ew.  I now understand why Julia Child would get pickled on wine while cooking.  It is hard work!  After spending over 2 hours prepping and setting off the fire alarm from smoke, I make a damn good chicken, but I was exhausted!  To think that I could get almost the same thing at Tom Thumb for $6.00!

The best thing about my time off is I am learning loads about myself.  I am happy.  I have been reading several books about directions I could take in life.  I know I want to do something, but just haven't zeroed in on what.  So, while I look for my next career, I will continue to find out how to get my whites, whiter and try to make delicious meals for the current main wage earner (husband).  So far, I have mastered chicken, meatloaf, pot roast and salmon.  I wonder what will be next???

Job Search? Blind Date?

Sorry I haven't written in awhile.  I was dealing with the closing of TLCEdge and am now deep into looking for my new career.  I hate looking for a job!  I have worked in the lapbanding business for over 10 years and have loved every minute of it.  I was hoping to continue doing so but so far, no go.
The hardest part of looking for a job is interviewing.  You spend time with someone and you chat, you get to know each other, you share a few laughs and then you get a thanks but no thanks email.

Sort of like a Blind Date.
Some dates you know it won't work out the moment you meet.  Other dates, well you are hopeful.  You kind of hit it off.  You are hopeful he will call.  Then you get the rejection.  Ugh!  I hated blind dates.  Eventually, I was able to turn it around and had loads of dates, some good, some bad and was not hurt when I got a rejection.  I did meet my husband through a blind date!  I need to toughen up that muscle again.

Weight wise?  Staying the same but I do plan to tell you all about the enormous amount of exercising I have been doing on a day to day basis in my next blog.