Some people need to fix their own problems even if I can see the obvious solution. Now you might think I am speaking of kids. Nope. I am talking about full grown adults. These past few days I have shut my mouth in the face of several issues. I have chosen not to be involved in some decision making because I usually come out looking like the bad guy when I do. This time I honestly wasn't up for the job. I have been working on my certification in weight loss coaching and had learned that being a fixer is not the best thing. So, I am fixing only for myself these days.
I think stepping back was the right thing to do, but the fall out is hard and the problem has not been solved in a good way. There was a degree of anger as I would not step in where I usually do. This brought to mind when I lost a load of weight and my position in the family dynamic changed. Have any of you experienced this phenomena? In every family, each person has a certain position. The smart one, the silly one, the fat one, etc. My position many years and pounds ago, was the victim. As I lost weight, my family didn't know what to do with me. They had to adjust to the new more confident me. Same thing happened at work. At the time, it drove my boss crazy because she couldn't dump work on me anymore. It was wonderful to lose all that weight, but there was an awkward time while everyone adjusted.
I guess I am going through that awkward time now as well. For 50 years, if I saw a problem, I figured out how to fix it. I am a planner. I actually work scenarios through my head to see all possible outcomes and then go with the best. I try to plan for any hiccups. An extremely simple example would be, if you have out of town guest coming, and currently people sleeping in what will be their bed, when is the best time to do the sheets? Simple answer, find out when the person currently occupying said bed is getting up and plan your washing schedule as well as chore schedule around him leaving said bed. My brain does this all day!
In coaching, I cannot fix. I can only hold a mirror up to the client and then it is up to the client on how to fix. Sounds easy? Not really. When the client wants to change, it is an amazing process! It was hard for me to stop fixing people and to coach them on fixing themselves. It is even harder to apply that into my own life. It's working and there are some amazing changes taking place. I wonder if I will always have that tendency to fix, or if after much practice, it will be normal to not fix and let the person fix themselves.
Here's to a new year, new life and new career! I am so excited about the things to come.
Good one, Jones!
ReplyDeleteGood piece, Cynthia. What a hard thing to change - I suffer from a tendency to get involved. Best intentions always but not always welcome advice. You are now in the old "give a man a fish and he eats that day. Teach a man to fish and he eats forever'" Good for you.
ReplyDelete